Friday, November 30, 2012

Dear "Shy" Dudes: You Suck.

Here's what pisses me off about some dudes.
The shy/super in touch with your feminine side/equality act doesn't cut it. It's annoying. And you're annoying if you do it.

A number of things have happened since certain types of feminism have gained popularity over the past few decades - while we've made some strides with the abandonment of many heteronormative notions, we've lost ish like courting (and dudes now wanting to be equals when it comes to fixing cars, pumping gas, and putting up curtains. Rude. I mean... I can do it... but do I want to?) Call me old-fashioned but... hello? Courting is awesome. And this whole "wait for a chick to come and talk to you," or "wait for a chick to call" ish? What is that?

Here's what. When I'm out somewhere (dinner, drinks, social event, conference, workshop, or whatEVER), you have two options. Open your mouth and say something, or get out of my face. Speak, or do not look over here. No one wants to be ogled or ostracized, and when you stare at people it seems like you're doing one of the two. Plus... didn't some elder teach you not to stare? It's freaking rude. Like... am I an alien? And if you think I am, please tell me. I would rather you say, "excuse me miss, but you look like an alien this evening" than for you to stare at me leaving me awkwardly trying to figure out what is on my forehead. It's not endearing. And it's not attractive. And it's just dumb.

Then... what's up with these dudes that want you to sweat them? Is this new, or has this been happening the whole time and I just didn't notice? I know - a lot of it is just me. I'm old fashioned, and in my mind things happen like they did in the 1920s, minus the lack of a right to vote, or sit at a counter and eat, or drink at any fountain, or learn to read and write, or have a real job, or look white people in the eye, etc. But other than that, in my mind things totally happen like they did back then. (And btdubs, I woulda still been looking white people in the eye, and probably would've gotten lynched, raped in the ear, and burned or something). Anyhow, the way I see it, a man sets his sights on some little lady - he's wearing a peacoat, and she's wearing a petticoat for whatever reason - they're at a train station, everything is black and white, they speak funny and say things like "Here's looking at you kid," and "I wish I didn't love you so much," or is that Casablanca? Anyway, the point is that times haven't changed so much that (most) women don't want to be courted. Heck, that goes for traditional and non-traditional relationships. Somebody has to do it. Here's what. It's not going to be me. I'm not going to court you. That's uber ridiculous. Wake up and sniff out which one of us has (outside) balls. Boooooooo scary dudes. You suck.

*These stories are based on real life instances - either mine, or my homies.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

"Open" Relationship? Go F*%k Yourself.

Granted, there are many things I wanted to blog about that did not include this topic - I would prefer to talk about food, quite honestly. But alas, proposal writing and a useless stats course got in the way of life for a while - not to mention my extracurricular French course that I threw in as if I had 'free' time.  Needless to say, all of my time is paid for, but apparently I'm not the one receiving the checks - and therefore have had no time to traverse the terrain of topics I fancy.  Anyhoo...

I had to just stop for a minute and get into this 'open relationship' thing, as I've come across many dudes of late who think this is like... the new twinkie or something. I'll start with this - and by no means take this as bible - when you are in an open relationship and you're cool with it, then I guess it's all good.  You do you, and your partner does them (and occasionally you do each other?).  But at the end of the day, you may agree to come together and respect each other and be in love and together forever and whatever the hell open relationship people do. I ain't knockin' it. I haven't tried it.  I probably won't, but hey... what do I know.

But here is what I am knocking. When you are in an open relationship with a partner you love and respect and want to be with forever, why the f*&$ would you think I wanted to be the 'other' chick that you do mon-wed-thurs? (you don't get Friday, cuz that's reserved for the premiere chick.) Like... are you on crack? Seriously.  What the f*^% kind of $&*t are you smoking? I didn't grow up thinking, "oh man, I sure hope to be second best one day!" or "wow, it would be sooo awesome to be the side chick!" or "I've always wanted to be mormon!" No. That didn't happen.  Being the "other" side of an open relationship is not appealing unless you aren't actually interested in a relationship of your own - and even then, you're just getting leftover sperm that didn't shoot out the night before. I'm not sure at what point anyone thought that saying "I'm married, but my wife and I are in an open relationship" sounded any different than saying "I'm married, but me and my wife f*&% other people, and I'd like you to be one of them." That's bulls&*t.  Oh, and f&^% you.

I kinda wanna kick people in their teeth when they come to me with this.  Cuz ok - if you're in an open relationship and that's how you swerve, again I will say "all good" and "do you, boo." But when you try to incorporate me into that, it's pretty offensive.  What it says to me - regardless of how one might actually mean it - is that I'm not worth being anybody's number one, and should therefore settle into some no medal position in your olympic-sized  harem where all is well and you sling your shlong to all your concubines.

I suppose this is another reason why I'm single.  I'm not willing to be a concubine. Can you blame me - I mean... it's 2012.  Concubines are so 2008.  Here's what - I'm too awesome to be a side hoe. So if you see me prancing around looking second best, please know that at that moment I was simply not at the top of my game - then forgive me, turn around, and get the f^&* away from me before I kick you in your d*ck.


Monday, July 16, 2012


i felt like
the only one
who floated thru space
when my eyes closed
the only one
who wandered thru scenes
that had not happened
i felt like
i would hover
in this place quietly
since i had previously been ignored
to my surprise
there you were
to find me
and pry me out
for your own good.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

'She Don't Wantchu' Cues - Part Deux.

In no particular order.

These are all seemingly common sense, however I find that many men (and probably women) are guilty of ignoring social cues that are utilized simply in an effort to not outwardly hurt anyone's feelings, injure anyone's pride, or blatantly say 'dude your an asshole. please go away.' Why do dudes want to force us to do that?

These cues, if adhered to, are very effective and leave all parties feeling good about themselves and ready to move on and kick it to the next person. That "be up front and honest, and just say what you feel" crap is bull. No man (or any person for that matter) wants to acknowledge that you don't want them - especially the ones who are convinced that everyone wants (or should want) them.  (Guys and gals, there are exceptions to this rule. You can totally be like 'neighbah, please get up out my face.' This really applies to situations when you've been conversing with a person for a while and assume that means that they want you.  Some women are just cool and friendly and will talk to you.  But once you've hit that point, you can't assume that she's gonna agree to be your baby mama.) Sometimes being upfront ends up just becoming an excuse for a dude to use his bruised ego to call you a b*tch, a lesbian, or a man-hater. So with that I say, dudes, don't make us do that. I for one never want to be rude, and I'll carry on a great convo with you for a minute, but that doesn't mean I want to sit on your face.  So when you ask for my number and I say "Oh, I don't really talk on the phone", please take that cue and run with it.

'She Don't Wantchu' Cues:

Scenario 1:
So you got the digits.  Sometimes that isn't the challenge.  As noted in a previous blog entry, I recklessly give out the google voice number attached to my phone. Plus, to be honest sometimes there's nuff pressure at the moment and you just give it to move on and away. Giving out fake numbers is so 1998 - you're bound to run into some of these people again if you keep a tight(ish) circle... so, sometimes you just feel like it's easier to give out the number, and figure it out later.

Later comes. You call. She doesn't answer. You may or may not leave a voicemail. If you don't, and she doesn't ever call you back (knowing the missed call was from you) - obviously, she don't wantchu. (*Note - if she does wantchu, but ain't callin' back cuz she's tryin' to be cute and playin' games, that's too much already for y'all to not even know each other so just move on - but... why you ain't just leave a message or sum'n?). But if you do leave a vm and she texts back a response and avoids talking to you on the phone, she don't wantchu and she's trying to be nice. Please accept her kindness, and resign. Sidebar - if you got her number in a group setting on some 'oh, cool, we cool, erbody cool, let's be cool... so... cool' then please don't get mad when you hit her up on some sexy flexy ish and she's not responsive. You kinda tricked her, dude.

If you refuse to accept that she don't wantchu and press on for a 'meet-up' opportunity, pay close attention to the response. Don't ignore the cues. You making me mad right now as I think about it and 'you' aren't even a real person, so that goes to show how annoying this can be. So if you're like 'oh we should go out for dinner and drinks or something' and she would prefer to do something that her friends can come to, or coffee, or lunch or things of the daytime 'I wanna make sure I don't have to be around you too long, and that I have something to do later' sort, she don't wantchu. Dinner is like... sexy flexy. It requires more getting ready, having to pick girly things from the menu, and having to be all like... 'dinner-ee.' The other situations are more casual - they don't necessarily denote her not wanting you if you started with lunch or coffee, and she accepted.  But if you started with dinner and she was like 'nah B. Let's do lunch' then she's trying to put you on pause.  I got tricked into dinner once from what was supposed to be a coffee meet up, and I didn't even realize I had gotten tricked until like two days later. I was kinda mad son. But anyway, trying to squirm out of a dinner is a cue. Take that, take that, take that.



The best song wasn't the single.
But you weren't either.

-->Sweet Life.<--

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

'She Don't Want U Cues'

So the first text exchange included this:

You hustle on the wknds too?

I thought that was really dumb. I let it slide. But I'm sayin'... if you're trying to kick it, speak regla first. Once we've established that you can have a grown folk convo (which will come in handy, I guarantee it), then you can type me what you want.  But don't try to kick it and talk to me like I'm 19 and think that askin' if I hustle on the weekends instead of just asking if I work (like a normal person) is cute.  Cuz it's not, dude.  How could you possibly expect me to respond? Like:

Yeah son, nah mean. I do what it do. Keep my thug game up and shit.

I'm pretty sure this type of response would have satisfied him - made him happy even. When I play around, YES, I do say stuff like that; YES, I do have a modicum of residual gangsta in my bones; YES, I do talk to my friends in all kinds of ways.  But homey... we ain't friends. And iono you like that.

Then the next day or so, I got this:

How you doin ma?

Do people still say that? More problematic is the fact that I responded.  I'm not mean - at least I try not to be, so I allowed the convo to proceed. At some point he asked me where I was from and then responded:

Big city boss chick huh?
The thing is, I did not give him the impression that I thought this was hot and sexy, and that he should keep going.  In fact, I kept responding extra regular to emphasize that he should just be normal and stop trying to be so gangsta.  But he didn't get it. Or he refused to adhere to the cue. The fact that I have more to say about this is probably more my issue than his since I kept responding :-/. Really, I just wanted to see how long it would take before he recognized that he sounded mad dumb son.  In my defense, when I recognized he just was outright REFUSING to let his faux gangsta let up, I stopped responding. 

The unfortunate more annoying thing is that dude seems to be super book intelligent.  He does stuff I can't explain. BUT, really what that demonstrates is that common sense is the best sense of all. I don't care how many degrees you have or don't have - some of the smartest people I know, and some of the coolest dudes I've met never went to college. So don't be confused by my requirement that you 'not be an idiot.' You can graduate from Awesome USA University and still be a big ole dummy (as demonstrated here).

What this really leads to is the fact that a lot of dudes refuse to adhere to cues. I'm pretty sure a lot of chicks are guilty of the same, but I can't speak to that. 
List of 'she don't want u cues' to come...
Moral of the story:
If you text me dumb sh*t, I'll put you on blast? No... that's really not it.  I promise.

Monday, July 9, 2012

I'm Just Not That Into You.

So, in continuation of yesterday's post... I started to wonder why the assumption is always that the chick is way more into the dude, and that the dude decides whether or not to requite.  Yeah, I'm going back to chunky dude who only dates skinny girls who told me that I had a 'smart' mouth, and THAT'S why I'm single.  When I told him it was by choice, he said "yeah, they all say that." I contemplated.  Do they all say that? I know a lot of women who are always complaining about not having a man so... do they all say that? I disagreed.  Nonetheless, I questioned myself, AND why his assumption was that if I didn't have a smart mouth, I would have a man - as if having a dumb mouth would mysteriously bring Prince Charming. I mean... call me crazy, but my intuition is that having a dumb mouth would bring... a dummy. Anyhoo.

There are several or many things wrong with that logic, no? First is the assumption that the only thing stopping me from being in a relationship is my mouth. Forget everything else.  Every other issue I, or the other person involved, might be bringing to the table.  All my hangups that typically make me disgusted with most dudes three minutes after our initial conversation.  Never mind that.  It's my mouth. No fool.  My mouth is what keeps away jerks.  And by golly, the goal is definitely to eliminate those from jump.  Second is the fact that he assumed that all women want to be in a relationship.  While that may be true for many, he also assumed that all women want to be in ANY relationship.  Wrong.  I can only speak for myself, but I definitely don't want just anything.  Third, he assumed that I didn't have options.  Oh yes, people.  Little 'ole me has options. Go figure.  But don't get excited... none of them are any good.  Hence my not being excited either.  Not to toot my own horn but I have my share of interested mankind - unfortunately, they either text me in Ebonics, are unemployed, are married, are 25, or are gay.  In other words, I couldn't possibly have any interest in any of the dudes I am approached by.  In addition, there are a limited number of (colored) dudes that like brown, nappy-headed chicks, so my options are already limited. (You know it's true, dudes - don't go trying to deny your affection for light-skinned girls with long hair now...)  He didn't think about that. Didn't care to. And didn't have to.  Because his wack ass can still get cute skinny chicks who have been convinced that HE is all they should have. Fourth, is it so crazy that I have high expectations? The expectations I have for my partner are similar to the ones I have for myself. As it should be.  And don't get me to quotin' scripture, please.  Ok, ok... just right quick - dude is supposed to love his wife like Jesus loves, and for that, his wife is supposed to trust and obey him.  Don't get all hung up on the obey part - if you're doing it right, you're obeying someone who is obeying the same God you do, so quit trippin'. I say that to say that, HELLO... I can't be obeyin' an idiot or a dickhead.  I can't obey a weakling.  And I can't obey a fool.  I just can't. So idiots, dickheads, weaklings, and fools are already eliminated from my pool of prime selects.  To recap, employed, not married, not gay, not 25, not an idiot/dickhead/weakling/fool, who likes nappy headed black girls is the pool that I'm swimming in.  So that means there isn't a lot of water.  But I'm cool with that cuz I'm super hydrated! These, my friends, are some of the reasons why I'm single.  But I guarantee you it's not because of my smart mouth.  I would never be with anyone who couldn't take it... cuz that would be the least of his worries :-).

If I can't get what I need, I'm cool with playing this here good game of solitaire. Sure, it's not always amazing. But it's always better than making myself smaller to make someone else feel big. (Get your mind out the gutter. I see you.)  This was all a prelude into a story about this one dude that won't stop texting me.  I'm just really not into him at all. Never was.  Never will be.  I have google voice on my phone, and have been pretty reckless with it since it's not like a real number and I can just cut it off or change it any time.  So yeah... I just give out this number when people ask for it.  Recently via google text, I've been told that I "sound like a boss." And while that may have (and I stress may cuz I really can't even confirm that) been cute when I was young, it sounds really, really, stupid now.  Don't seriously text me things you heard in a rap song, please. I'm grown. Talk to me in grown people language. Tell you about it tomorrow.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Been A Minute. But When I Tell You...

...what's been going on over this past year, you will completely understand the need for a break.  A savasana.  A death. A rebirth.

I am in the process of being reborn.  In every kind of way.  So much has happened since we last spoke. And although some may take me as the 'keep to myself, don't share my business, non-emotional type', lol, those are only those who don't know me very well.  I love to share - especially if my experiences can help somebody else through theirs, or make someone feel less 'out there.'  This might read like a book.  A tragedy, or one of whimsy - depending on where you are in your ride.  Who knows.

I'll spare you all the details, but share this.  Last year in the center of my 'sans love' period I met this dude.  Ugh.  Ruined everything.  I was so happy by myself.  But, everybody wants love - to love; to be loved.  All that.  So when opportunity arose, I dove head first (into shallow water and cracked my skull).  No need for gory details.  Anyhow, we 'dated' and stuff.  And then I realized/found out he was crazy. And so went that.

Thing is, I was also crazy.  Two crazies together typically make one supercrazy (which is kinda like a supernova, but less stellar), and you can only imagine what a 'supercrazy' looks like... (or maybe you've partaken in a 'supercrazy' before). It's just not pretty. And neither was I.  So there it is. My whole story. Laid out.

I tell it only as a beginning to a happier story.  That of me being by myself. Happy. Again. I've been meaning to write this for months.  At first, I was gonna tell the whole story about the crazy dude, and all the things that happened, and me fleeing out of the house (lol), the shaking, the crying, the blah, blah, blah.  But the thing with time is that it heals (thank God), so now I'm over it and have no desire to tell the story.

BUT, recently, in a convo with some old dude that was chunky and told me he's only attracted to petite women because he can't do anything with anybody his own size (yeah... whahuh, boo? do a sit up), he proceeded to let me know that I was single because of my 'smart' mouth.  Yup.  My smart mouth. LOL. So the story starts here sorta... and then goes backwards, and looses time somewhere, then comes back again, and goes circular.  The same dude told the woman I was with that she needed to adjust her 'requirements' for what she wants from a man, LOL. Sidebar: the woman got a kick out of him telling me about my smart mouth (albeit, incorrectly... because she thought he said I had a big mouth, haahahahaha, with which she was soooo ready to agree - but not with him saying that she needed to adjust her standards - I tell ya... ok, rant over).  So, apparently, we were single because collectively, we were smart with high standards. Well... YEAH... HELLOOOOO?  And just what is so wrong with that?

I'm not necessarily 'regular.' I'm okay with that.  I remember one friend years ago who said "Kami, I love you! You are one of the weirdest friends I have." I just... took it in stride, and pretended it wasn't offensive.  Nonetheless, I've accepted the fact that I'm not regular.  I'm not average.  And so what does that mean? It means that I can't do anything with/for a regular, average dude.  It'll just never work.  It'll turn into a supercrazy, things will explode, and people might will get hurt.

So this 'guy' tells me that I'm single because of my smart mouth. So I thought... wow, projecting, maybe? You, sir, would prefer... a woman with a dumb mouth? Is that it? And that's fine because I would prefer a man with three lips over you... but that's neither here nor there.  So this dude wants a dumb woman.  Cool.  But... why would he think that I'd want a man that thought I was too 'smart' for him; or more specifically, that my 'mouth' was too smart? The last thing I would ever want in a 'relationship' is to have to dumb myself down for the comfort of my partner.  Noooo fool... I want a partner that is not offended by my 'smart mouth' because his is just as smart, or smarter.  Don't make me quote scripture.  This is a BLOG.  But, any man that plans to take a seat on this here throne has to be a king, boo. (<-- did you roll your neck when you said that? cuz it requires a neck roll to say it right.)  I'm super cool with peasants, but I ain't one.  So it ain't neva gonna work. And I won't become a peasant for the comfort of any man. It is what it is.  And I'm cool with that.

So then, I have these friends who are constantly asking me when I'm gonna get a man and get married. Haaaaa. I am NEVER gonna 'get' a man. Sorry. That's not in the plan.  "He that findeth a wife...", not "she that seeketh a husband...", okay? My single life is pretty awesome, and while it can certainly be enhanced by a relationship, it cannot be enhanced by ANY relationship.  And the relationship I currently have with myself is way too good to mess it up for some random ass neighba.  Anyhow, I am just setting the stage for what is bound to be a great show.  It will commence tomorrow.  Please join me. We're gonna have so much fun.