Wednesday, August 15, 2012

"Open" Relationship? Go F*%k Yourself.

Granted, there are many things I wanted to blog about that did not include this topic - I would prefer to talk about food, quite honestly. But alas, proposal writing and a useless stats course got in the way of life for a while - not to mention my extracurricular French course that I threw in as if I had 'free' time.  Needless to say, all of my time is paid for, but apparently I'm not the one receiving the checks - and therefore have had no time to traverse the terrain of topics I fancy.  Anyhoo...

I had to just stop for a minute and get into this 'open relationship' thing, as I've come across many dudes of late who think this is like... the new twinkie or something. I'll start with this - and by no means take this as bible - when you are in an open relationship and you're cool with it, then I guess it's all good.  You do you, and your partner does them (and occasionally you do each other?).  But at the end of the day, you may agree to come together and respect each other and be in love and together forever and whatever the hell open relationship people do. I ain't knockin' it. I haven't tried it.  I probably won't, but hey... what do I know.

But here is what I am knocking. When you are in an open relationship with a partner you love and respect and want to be with forever, why the f*&$ would you think I wanted to be the 'other' chick that you do mon-wed-thurs? (you don't get Friday, cuz that's reserved for the premiere chick.) Like... are you on crack? Seriously.  What the f*^% kind of $&*t are you smoking? I didn't grow up thinking, "oh man, I sure hope to be second best one day!" or "wow, it would be sooo awesome to be the side chick!" or "I've always wanted to be mormon!" No. That didn't happen.  Being the "other" side of an open relationship is not appealing unless you aren't actually interested in a relationship of your own - and even then, you're just getting leftover sperm that didn't shoot out the night before. I'm not sure at what point anyone thought that saying "I'm married, but my wife and I are in an open relationship" sounded any different than saying "I'm married, but me and my wife f*&% other people, and I'd like you to be one of them." That's bulls&*t.  Oh, and f&^% you.

I kinda wanna kick people in their teeth when they come to me with this.  Cuz ok - if you're in an open relationship and that's how you swerve, again I will say "all good" and "do you, boo." But when you try to incorporate me into that, it's pretty offensive.  What it says to me - regardless of how one might actually mean it - is that I'm not worth being anybody's number one, and should therefore settle into some no medal position in your olympic-sized  harem where all is well and you sling your shlong to all your concubines.

I suppose this is another reason why I'm single.  I'm not willing to be a concubine. Can you blame me - I mean... it's 2012.  Concubines are so 2008.  Here's what - I'm too awesome to be a side hoe. So if you see me prancing around looking second best, please know that at that moment I was simply not at the top of my game - then forgive me, turn around, and get the f^&* away from me before I kick you in your d*ck.


1 comment:

  1. These males don't understand if you can't be faithful we can't be fruitful.