Dear "Shy" Dudes: You Suck.

Here's what pisses me off about some dudes.
The shy/super in touch with your feminine side/equality act doesn't cut it. It's annoying. And you're annoying if you do it.

A number of things have happened since certain types of feminism have gained popularity over the past few decades - while we've made some strides with the abandonment of many heteronormative notions, we've lost ish like courting (and dudes now wanting to be equals when it comes to fixing cars, pumping gas, and putting up curtains. Rude. I mean... I can do it... but do I want to?) Call me old-fashioned but... hello? Courting is awesome. And this whole "wait for a chick to come and talk to you," or "wait for a chick to call" ish? What is that?

Here's what. When I'm out somewhere (dinner, drinks, social event, conference, workshop, or whatEVER), you have two options. Open your mouth and say something, or get out of my face. Speak, or do not look over here. No one wants to be ogled or ostracized, and when you stare at people it seems like you're doing one of the two. Plus... didn't some elder teach you not to stare? It's freaking rude. Like... am I an alien? And if you think I am, please tell me. I would rather you say, "excuse me miss, but you look like an alien this evening" than for you to stare at me leaving me awkwardly trying to figure out what is on my forehead. It's not endearing. And it's not attractive. And it's just dumb.

Then... what's up with these dudes that want you to sweat them? Is this new, or has this been happening the whole time and I just didn't notice? I know - a lot of it is just me. I'm old fashioned, and in my mind things happen like they did in the 1920s, minus the lack of a right to vote, or sit at a counter and eat, or drink at any fountain, or learn to read and write, or have a real job, or look white people in the eye, etc. But other than that, in my mind things totally happen like they did back then. (And btdubs, I woulda still been looking white people in the eye, and probably would've gotten lynched, raped in the ear, and burned or something). Anyhow, the way I see it, a man sets his sights on some little lady - he's wearing a peacoat, and she's wearing a petticoat for whatever reason - they're at a train station, everything is black and white, they speak funny and say things like "Here's looking at you kid," and "I wish I didn't love you so much," or is that Casablanca? Anyway, the point is that times haven't changed so much that (most) women don't want to be courted. Heck, that goes for traditional and non-traditional relationships. Somebody has to do it. Here's what. It's not going to be me. I'm not going to court you. That's uber ridiculous. Wake up and sniff out which one of us has (outside) balls. Boooooooo scary dudes. You suck.

*These stories are based on real life instances - either mine, or my homies.

"Open" Relationship? Go F*%k Yourself.

Granted, there are many things I wanted to blog about that did not include this topic - I would prefer to talk about food, quite honestly. But alas, proposal writing and a useless stats course got in the way of life for a while - not to mention my extracurricular French course that I threw in as if I had 'free' time.  Needless to say, all of my time is paid for, but apparently I'm not the one receiving the checks - and therefore have had no time to traverse the terrain of topics I fancy.  Anyhoo...

I had to just stop for a minute and get into this 'open relationship' thing, as I've come across many dudes of late who think this is like... the new twinkie or something. Like...wtf? I'll start with this - and by no means take this as bible - when you are in an open relationship and you're cool with it, then I guess it's all good.  You do you, and your partner does them (and occasionally you do each other?).  But at the end of the day, you may agree to come together and respect each other and be in love and together forever and whatever the hell open relationship people do. I ain't knockin' it. I haven't tried it.  I probably won't, but hey... what do I know.

But here is what I am knocking. When you are in an open relationship with a partner you love and respect and want to be with forever, why the f*&$ would you think I wanted to be the 'other' chick that you do mon-wed-thurs? (you don't get Friday, cuz that's reserved for the premiere chick.) Like... are you on crack? Seriously.  What the f*^% kind of $&*t are you smoking? I didn't grow up thinking, "oh man, I sure hope to be second best one day!" or "wow, it would be sooo awesome to be the side chick!" or "I've always wanted to be mormon!" No. That didn't happen.  Being the "other" side of an open relationship is not appealing unless you aren't actually interested in a relationship of your own - and even then, you're just getting leftover sperm that didn't shoot out the night before. I'm not sure at what point anyone thought that saying "I'm married, but my wife and I are in an open relationship" sounded any different than saying "I'm married, but me and my wife f*&% other people, and I'd like you to be one of them." That's bulls&*t.  Oh, and f&^% you.

I kinda wanna kick people in their teeth when they come to me with this.  Cuz ok - if you're in an open relationship and that's how you swerve, again I will say "all good" and "do you, boo." But when you try to incorporate me into that, it's pretty offensive.  What it says to me - regardless of how one might actually mean it - is that I'm not worth being anybody's number one, and should therefore settle into some no medal position in your olympic-sized  harem where all is well and you sling your shlong to all your concubines.

I suppose this is another reason why I'm single.  I'm not willing to be a concubine. Can you blame me - I mean... it's 2012.  Concubines are so 2008.  Here's what - I'm too awesome to be a side hoe. So if you see me prancing around looking second best, please know that at that moment I was simply not at the top of my game - then forgive me, turn around, and get the f^&* away from me before I kick you in your d*ck.

Thanks.

self(ish)

i felt like
the only one
who floated thru space
when my eyes closed
the only one
who wandered thru scenes
that had not happened
yet
i felt like
i would hover
in this place quietly
since i had previously been ignored
to my surprise
there you were
to find me
and pry me out
for your own good.

'She Don't Wantchu' Cues - Part Deux.

In no particular order.

These are all seemingly common sense, however I find that many men (and probably women) are guilty of ignoring social cues that are utilized simply in an effort to not outwardly hurt anyone's feelings, injure anyone's pride, or blatantly say 'dude your an asshole. please go away.' Why do dudes want to force us to do that?

These cues, if adhered to, are very effective and leave all parties feeling good about themselves and ready to move on and kick it to the next person. That "be up front and honest, and just say what you feel" crap is bull. No man (or any person for that matter) wants to acknowledge that you don't want them - especially the ones who are convinced that everyone wants (or should want) them.  (Guys and gals, there are exceptions to this rule. You can totally be like 'neighbah, please get up out my face.' This really applies to situations when you've been conversing with a person for a while and assume that means that they want you.  Some women are just cool and friendly and will talk to you.  But once you've hit that point, you can't assume that she's gonna agree to be your baby mama.) Sometimes being upfront ends up just becoming an excuse for a dude to use his bruised ego to call you a b*tch, a lesbian, or a man-hater. So with that I say, dudes, don't make us do that. I for one never want to be rude, and I'll carry on a great convo with you for a minute, but that doesn't mean I want to sit on your face.  So when you ask for my number and I say "Oh, I don't really talk on the phone", please take that cue and run with it.

'She Don't Wantchu' Cues:

Scenario 1:
So you got the digits.  Sometimes that isn't the challenge.  As noted in a previous blog entry, I recklessly give out the google voice number attached to my phone. Plus, to be honest sometimes there's nuff pressure at the moment and you just give it to move on and away. Giving out fake numbers is so 1998 - you're bound to run into some of these people again if you keep a tight(ish) circle... so, sometimes you just feel like it's easier to give out the number, and figure it out later.

Later comes. You call. She doesn't answer. You may or may not leave a voicemail. If you don't, and she doesn't ever call you back (knowing the missed call was from you) - obviously, she don't wantchu. (*Note - if she does wantchu, but ain't callin' back cuz she's tryin' to be cute and playin' games, that's too much already for y'all to not even know each other so just move on - but... why you ain't just leave a message or sum'n?). But if you do leave a vm and she texts back a response and avoids talking to you on the phone, she don't wantchu and she's trying to be nice. Please accept her kindness, and resign. Sidebar - if you got her number in a group setting on some 'oh, cool, we cool, erbody cool, let's be cool... so... cool' then please don't get mad when you hit her up on some sexy flexy ish and she's not responsive. You kinda tricked her, dude.

If you refuse to accept that she don't wantchu and press on for a 'meet-up' opportunity, pay close attention to the response. Don't ignore the cues. You making me mad right now as I think about it and 'you' aren't even a real person, so that goes to show how annoying this can be. So if you're like 'oh we should go out for dinner and drinks or something' and she would prefer to do something that her friends can come to, or coffee, or lunch or things of the daytime 'I wanna make sure I don't have to be around you too long, and that I have something to do later' sort, she don't wantchu. Dinner is like... sexy flexy. It requires more getting ready, having to pick girly things from the menu, and having to be all like... 'dinner-ee.' The other situations are more casual - they don't necessarily denote her not wanting you if you started with lunch or coffee, and she accepted.  But if you started with dinner and she was like 'nah B. Let's do lunch' then she's trying to put you on pause.  I got tricked into dinner once from what was supposed to be a coffee meet up, and I didn't even realize I had gotten tricked until like two days later. I was kinda mad son. But anyway, trying to squirm out of a dinner is a cue. Take that, take that, take that.

TBC.

Single.

The best song wasn't the single.
But you weren't either.

-->Sweet Life.<--