really, dude?

him: ur attractive. ur smart. and ur... in ur 30s... so what are you waitin' for?

me: *blank stare*

...and so that ended that conversation. i wasn't even offended, really. it was just a small matter of a furrowed brow, and a questioning of audacity cuz like... who says that?

the question required so much dissecting, i couldn't believe an artist - and not a biologist - asked it. what was i waiting for? well for one, a dude who didn't think that question was ok. but... was i really waiting? i hadn't ever considered that i was, and was not clear what i was doing to suggest that there was waiting happening. there was the one time at the gathering where i waited for someone to make my drink... but clearly he wasn't referring to that. was i 'waiting' for 'my' guy? couldn't be... right? like... i don't even think 'my' guy exists. or maybe i do? pfff.

and so now me, the over thinker, is sitting here wondering if i'm waiting. questioning why i always choose guys who are 'unavailable,' and recognizing my clear pattern of picking dudes who won't/"can't" pick me. i'm still working thru this. like... am i that happy by myself? or is it just fear of being hurt to the core? here's what... frank ocean makes me feel normal. he seems to feel similarly. and so, as long as my ipod works, i'm ok. for now.